“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
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My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
operators are standing by to ignore your call
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”