Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators