him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
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Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.