If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
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Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.