the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Monica just destroyed the internet
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.