Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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subtitles are so good nowadays
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice