I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
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Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
…..pretty much.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
relationship goals
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.