Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.