I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
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[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.