Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
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[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
.. do you even science?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.