[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
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[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Selfie
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.