When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
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Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]