I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
You Might Also Like
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!