Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
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If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.