ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
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Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Who says great literature is dead?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.