God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.