Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
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What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle