My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Sponch
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
B
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.