[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
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Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
#MeanwhileinCanada
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Basketball
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”