Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
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Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
wishing you and yours all the best
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.