New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
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I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Big Sex has us all fooled
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.