“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
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[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
…..pretty much.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.