“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
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STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Oops
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.