me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
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Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
For those that worship cheese..
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.