I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
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Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU