Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Not😆🤣
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.