What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
You Might Also Like
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Skills
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy