When someone asks if I have any hobbies
You Might Also Like
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*