Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
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Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside