Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
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Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
termite twitter scares me
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I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes