I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.