Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
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Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.