her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
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At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
*ernest hemingway voice*
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days