Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
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At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Kids: Stay in school.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.