Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
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Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh