Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
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Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
looks legit
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.