Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
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The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.