*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
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Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes