Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
You Might Also Like
I think we should hear other voices.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.