Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Hitlers gonna hitl
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Möther may I have a snäck
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser