When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
crazy
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”