My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
💯😂
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!