Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
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God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
This is me 🤣🤣
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell