In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
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My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Awesome parenting 😂
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.