“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
You Might Also Like
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Flock of bats
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.