[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
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Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
The French word for sex is croissant.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.