[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
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Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*