I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
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‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
gm
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?