Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.