Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
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Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
lol
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.