TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
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my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
marvel comics have peaked
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*