The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
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It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry